Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
