Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
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