So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Randomize
