Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
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