You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
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