Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
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