I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Two words: nipple clamps
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