I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Randomize
