Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
