Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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