We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
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