I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
