You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize