thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
