yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
