you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Randomize
