Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
