Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
