The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Randomize