Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Randomize
