My vagina just recognized that song.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Randomize
