You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
