i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
is it gross that my labia hangs so much that guys can't find my clit?
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
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