i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
Randomize
