i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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