I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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