I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Randomize
