ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
