I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Randomize