YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Use "feeling words"
Yay
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
