I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
