I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Randomize
