I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Randomize