Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
Randomize
