does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Randomize
