you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
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