saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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