You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
