watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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