My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
