just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Randomize
