well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Randomize
