I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
