WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
So many bounce houses so little time
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
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