my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
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