He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
