why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Randomize
