And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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