I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
