so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
Randomize
