you guys were way drunker than both of me
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize
