omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
Randomize
