his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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