She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
