so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
This is the prime rib incident all over again
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
