It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
Randomize
