I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
operation have a gay friend backfired
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
