He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I just sucked dick on a ferry
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
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