I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
