My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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