I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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