then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
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