I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
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