Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Randomize
