I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
This toilet bowl is my home.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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